You Cannot Put a Timer on a Nervous System

Let’s talk about something that comes up constantly in schools and homes: regulation.

“You have 5 minutes in the calm-down corner.”

“Take a minute and come back when you’re ready.”

I’ve said these things before. Maybe you have, too. But here is the thing… there is no timer for dysregulation.

When a child looks regulated on the outside, their nervous system can still be in full recovery mode on the inside. And, if we push them back into the demands of the day before they’re truly ready, we’re not teaching regulation. We’re teaching kids to mask it.

Trauma-certified SLP Polina Shkadron suggests giving kids more agency.

Literally ask, “Do you feel ready?”

If the answer is no, trust it.

Tell them, “Okay, I’ll check back in a little bit.”

Now we know what you’re thinking. But then they’ll never want to try the hard thing! Or what if it takes the entire session for them to become regulated?

That’s the fear, right? Well, kids don’t want to stay dysregulated. They want to get back to a neutral state so they can re-engage with you. Trust and true connection come with actually listening to them.

One more thing worth sitting with… when one big outburst happens, brace yourself. The nervous system is already maxed. More may follow. This isn’t a behavior problem; it’s biology.

The takeaway: Regulation isn’t a performance you can schedule. It’s a process you have to honor.

This conversation is from our podcast episode Supporting Neurodivergent Kids Through Play & Connection, with Polina Shakadron. Listen for free via the link below to the full episode!