“I Wouldn’t Even Know They Had Autism”
Masking is when neurodivergent individuals, autistic people, ADHDers, and others adapt socially, behaviorally, or communicatively to be more accepted by neurotypical peers and to conform to adult expectations.
Why That’s Not the Compliment You Think It Is
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We hear it a lot. An adult shares they are neurodivergent or a parent shares their child’s diagnosis and someone says, “Really? I never would have guessed. You’d never even know.”
It’s meant kindly. But Dr. Destiny Huff — licensed professional counselor, special education advocate, certified trauma therapist, and late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD person herself — has a different take on it. As she says in her course The Cost of Masking:
“People think that’s a compliment, but it’s really not a compliment because it implies there’s something wrong with their peers that do have those stereotypical presentations.”
That sentence stopped us in our tracks. Because the reason a child “doesn’t seem” autistic or ADHD is often because they’ve spent enormous energy making sure you don’t notice. That’s masking.
So what exactly is masking?
Masking is when neurodivergent individuals, autistic people, ADHDers, and others adapt socially, behaviorally, or communicatively to be more accepted by neurotypical peers and to conform to adult expectations.
It’s not one big dramatic thing. It’s dozens of small, exhausting adaptations layered on top of each other, all day, every day. Laughing at jokes they didn’t understand. Agreeing when they disagreed. Holding still when their body is screaming for movement. Mimicking the way a peer holds their shoulders to look casual. Researching what’s trending so they have something to talk about at lunch.
Let’s break masking down into three types:
